My Life Unseen

It's that time again...

2008-01-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

time to re-evaluate your life, to re-think your choices, take stock of your health and happiness and make resolutions to yourself to improve anything that you arent satisifed with. Nevermind the fact that most resolutions that are made get broken within the first month of the New Year... many of of us still feel the need to make those promises to ourselves. I am one of those people - I have dabbled in making them and then not making them... and in all honesty Im one of the ones who have abandoned them quickly in the past. This year however I am vowing a new fresh start... it's sort of one of my resolutions in fact...

Here we go...

Resolution #1

Follow thru with my resolutions!!

Resolution #2

Get healthier!!

Resolution #3

Scrapbook more.

Resolution #4

Worry Less, A LOT less!!

Resolution #5

Be more open, more giving.

So, not bad, only five resolutions to live up to, and really it's sort of only four if you take out the first one. I think I can do that...

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Honestly though, it will be a lot of hard work... getting healthier includes a lot, like working out (ewwww) and eating right... all jokes aside I used to enjoy working out, however it's been a long while since daily exercise was a part of my life so I know the going will be tough - at least for the first long while. Eating healthier has its challenges as well, like the fact that I find it hard to eat in the morning, and dislike making a lunch and uh dont really cook much.. or shop for food. However I am up to the challenge. I actually crave veggies... so that ought to make it easier.

As for scrapbooking, I suppose its an odd resolution, but it is something that I really enjoy, and something that I didnt do a lot of this year. I sat down to look at my album a few days ago and realized there were whole months without a page. I cant tell the story of our lives thru photos with whole chapters missing. So now that I have a whole room dedicated to the art and have spent much energy and thought on the perfect arrangment/organization of all my papers/tools etc I no longer have an excuse not to do it. And in fact have been craving it as well.

Now for the last two... even with the working out taken into consideration these will definately be the most challenging on my list this year. As I have said here before I worry A LOT. About everything really, from the smallest details to the largest. It is something that I have made some headway on this past year, but not quite enough... I still feel tense much of the time... about things that really shouldnt matter much and it really needs to stop. It affects my relationship with Brendan and even my relationship with myself because I beat myself up over the things that I worry about. I need to not sweat the small stuff as they say. As for being more open, and givng... - and you know what lets add loving to that list - its another hard one. I like to think of myself as a giving, loving person... but I know that I need work still. I cannot say that I am open, I hold myself back from most people, even Brendan in many ways. I am and have always been afraid of getting hurt, of looking stupid, of not being enough. It is something that I have tried to work through many times and have never quite beaten. I have made progress though and hope that this year I can make more. All I can really promise myself is that I will do my best, and I will. Being more giving and loving kind of goes hand in hand with this one for me. I have promised to give B a break on things, to not be so quick to judge, to show that I care, to take chances in order to recieve even more blessings in return.

In retrospect I think that 2007 was a pretty good year. I have felt a lot happier this past year I think. It's been a year full of blessings... the Buckcherry trip, a new home, more time spent with family. Much to be thankful for in fact.

My hope for the new year is that it can top this one, that a year from now I will be sitting here marvelling at how I kicked ass on 2008's resolutions, and that I will have cut my list for 2009 down to only 2. I'd say to 0 but hey, there's always room for improvement right!!

Happy 2008 to everyone out there! I hope that it is as good for you as I am pledging to make it for me! Good luck with those resolutions!!

xo

Oh oh oh!!!

2007-12-10T21:56:00.001-08:00

A new shot of B and I that I am lovin right now, taken the other day when it snowed :)

listening to

2007-12-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

Buckcherry (well Josh and Keef) on Rockline Radio. Always a good listen with these guys on this show. They are so funny and sound so much like brothers.

I had a good day today. I went to Vancouver with my sister this morning to see my dad in the hospital and then came home to tackle my big to-do list. Brendan and his dad pitched in to help and we got the garage all cleaned out, all the stuff to be donated loaded up in B's car and then I decorated outside the front door for Christmas while B and his dad put up our Christmas lights. After all that we came inside and hung up some of my stars and all the pictures and stuff for the kitchen. It has been something I have wanted to get done for ages and now finally its all checked off the list. It makes our house look so much more like home finally having some our things up.

I got a new laptop yesterday, my old one had some issues and my warranty was expiring tomorrow so B took it to work yesterday and came home with a new one for me. :) It's pretty sweeet... all shiny and new! It has a couple things I dont like but overall I think the good outweigh the bad things.

I am lovin listening to Keef talk right now! His voice is just soo.... I dont know, so hot and so Keith. I miss these guys... have not had a lot of time to dedicate to Buckcherry lately.

Anyways... I guess that is all for me tonite... I will leave you with some more photos from the Mexico trip.

Gnome chillin' on the beach

Sunrise over the pool

The horses - look at the size of those waves!

Hotel California in Todos Santos - yes, the one from the Eagles song

Doorway in Todos Santos (I took many many photos of doorways on this trip... maybe I will post a collection sometime.

A beautiful deserted beach that we stopped for a swim on the way home from Todos Santos.

Me and B in San Jose Del Cabo

The church in San Jose Del Cabo, I was obsessed with it.

Church again

Our hotel taken from the beach

Update - for you Doug!!

2007-12-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

Hello! It's been forever I know...

A lot going on....

Mexico - good times! Gorgeous place, I enjoyed it very much. The weather was perfect, laying on the beach even more perfect. I had been stressed out before the trip with everything that had been going on with my dad and it actually looked like I wasn't even going to be able to go as his surgery may have been the same week... however I did and I'm so glad because it was a great pressure reliever :)

We had an ocean view room and I really liked the hotel we stayed in. We went atv-ing one day and it was one of my favorite parts! I got filthy and sunburned but it was so worth it. Such a rush to be speeding around the desert on a little car thing... so so fun! There was some beautiful scenery on the way... I dropped my helmet off a cliff by accident... almost ran over a dudes leg when he crashed in front of me... oh man writing about it makes me want to go do it again!!

I also got to take part in releasing some baby sea turtles into the water right after they were born. That was simply amazing! How often does one get to take part in something like that? I found it very sweet, amazing and uplifting.

I spent a lot of time lying in the sun... bartering with the merchants on the beach... just hanging out.

All in all it was great!

I came home with a nasty bowel/kidney infection unfortunately... but even that was worth it for a week in the sun.

My Dad - Things with my dad are not the best, however it is important to remember that they could be worse. I just came home from visiting him and the visit was better than I had expected. He has had the first surgery (for the colon cancer) and is scheduled for the second one on Tuesday. The first surgery day was a disaster... well at least it felt like it for me and my sister. I picked my dad up at 5:30am, then my sister next, we made the drive out and after stopping at Starbucks for me and Timmy's for my sis we got to the hospital at 6:30. We had heard the day before that dad's surgery was to be at 9am and had been told in pre-op that we would need to arrive at the hospital 2 hours before the surgery time. After waiting a long time for someone to call his name at check-in we finally talked to a nurse who informed us that his surgery was actually at 11am so we didn't need to be there til 9am. Sigh... all that lost sleep for nothing!! We decided this wasn't really a big deal though and Lani and decided to go do some Christmas shopping in the meantime as the nurse was taking charge of getting my dad comfy and we wouldn't be able to see him anyway. So she tells us his surgery would be an hour and a half and that we would should be back to see him at 1:30pm. We go do our thing and arrive back at 1:20, ask about him and they tell us that he is still in the operating room, this concerns us a little but not too much... at least not yet. However we then sit there for a couple more hours and keep getting the same answer... so at 3:30 my sister thinks we should go eat so we do, then we come back thinking by now he will be out and we can see him. No such luck - we get back, everyone is gone. We find a desk by the recovery room and ask a nurse for an update, she is looking it up when another nurse walks by and says "oh I took him up to his room an hour ago". Were confused as we had been sitting a few yards away an hour ago but whatever, she knows his room number and everything so we head upstairs to see him. Once we get to his ward we are stopped by a nurse and once we tell her who we are looking for she tells us he is still downstairs... were like no we were just down there and they say he's here. She's like well I'm his nurse and his binder is empty so he's still downstairs. I'm like okay I'm going to find him, and shes like no no, have a seat, let me call. So she does and says oh he's going to be brought up any minute, just sit tight. So we sit... and sit... and sit. Almost an hour and a half later we get sick of sitting and go back downstairs determined to get some answers - I mean what did they do, forget him in an elevator somewhere? - so we go back to the operating recovery room doors to the nurse's station, its a different nurse, she looks on the computer then makes a call inside to the recovery room. We by this time are very tired, very stressed... and watching her every move. Her side of the conversation goes something like this - Hi, I have some family looking for My Frayn. Oh I see, mmmhmmm. Oh, Okay. - Then she gets off, looks at us and says "A nurse will be out to speak to you". My sister starts to cry, I look at her - the strong one - and get tears in my eyes too... but by this point I'm angry... so I don't let myself cry. I'm like is "be out to speak to us or come out to take us to my dad?" She's clearly uncomfortable and says again, "will be out to speak to you". SO basically my sister and I are fearing the worst... and we turn towards the doors and just stare... but no one comes... and we wait again, for 40 minutes when the doors finally open and a nurse comes out and says one at a time please. Were like huh? And he's all like well don't you want to see your dad?

My god the relief made me weak in the knees... So we finally get to see him, almost 6hours after they said we would be able to. We never did get any answers as to why the surgery that was supposed to take 1.5 hours took 4 but we did find out that he had been in recovery longer than normal because he had lost a lot of blood and needed a blood transfusion that needed to be done very slowly. He looked better than I had expected and even seemed to be doing well the next day.

Things are not going so well now though. He had some sort of episode a few days ago where he didn't know who or where he was. He tried to leave the hospital, and then woke up in the night and started going into other patients rooms waking up them up, swearing, acting irrationally. They needed to restrain him, and then had a psychiatrist evaluate him the next morning. He decided it was because of the meds and had them changed but unfortunately the confusion has persisted and he is having moments of normalcy and then not making sense the next. This has been coupled with a new health complication. He has been vomiting for two days straight and cannot even keep a sip of water down. After exploring today and giving him another CT they have found he has a blockage in his bowel. So now he has a tube through his nose which is draining his stomach, another catheter and so on. This is all bad news as his next surgery is scheduled for Tuesday yet he cant have it if this persists. He has also decided that he doesn't want to have it as he is so ill from this one that he is scared that he will die. So he is refusing to have it and we are arguing about it as he really doesn't have a choice. One cannot live with one of their main arteries coming out through their stomach. Ahhhh... it's stressful. And made even more stressful by the fact that I have to drive an hour through heavy traffic each night to see him.

Well that was a long bit!! Now what... you know what I think this update is enough for me for now... more to come.

I promise less bitching next time!!

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T22:01:00.001-07:00

renewal

2007-10-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the
Verities and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,
The Glory of Action,
The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes
Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!

- Kalidasa

Let HOPE Live

2007-10-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a stressful month... well honestly it's been a few stressful months for me. I've got and had a lot going on with the old house selling, finding the new house... Brendan and I not exactly being on cloud nine with each other... my health issues and dilemma and now recently my dad and his cancer. Things have improved slightly with Brendan and I, I am now settled in and loving the new place... my health dilemma is still just that - a dilemma and today my dad's story has became even more of a challenge. I am sitting here though trying to be hopeful, to have faith and just beleive... beleive that things will happen as they are meant to happen, that there is a greater good in the world and a reason for everything. I am trying to realize the power of staying positive and also finding good in even something so un-good.

My dad was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. He has not been given a prognosis and won't until he is opened up and they can see the extent of the cancer. From what I understand colon cancer is one of the more treat-able and beat-able cancers when caught early. One thing we do not know is how early this has been caught as he was having symptoms that they now realize could be related to this but at the time werent connected to anything.

Until this point I have been very hopeful and very sure that he would be okay. I freaked out a little when he first told me but then calmed down and thought of how sick Christina was and how much better she is now and just really thought he would be okay. My faith was swayed slightly when we found out that because my dad has had three vascular bypasses (basically he has man made plastic arteries running through his stomach) his surgery for the cancer had suddenly become high risk and more complicated and he would have to have the surgery at St Paul's Hospital in Vancouver instead of here in White Rock. I suppose hearing the words "high risk" scared me, but again, I put my own fear aside and thought hopeful thoughts for my dad.

Then came today. I took my dad out to St Paul's to meet with the surgeon and see what the plan would be... I immediately liked the Doctor and felt safe and comfortable with what he told us... after telling us exactly what to expect (that my dad will most likely need chemo and possibly have a "bag" after the surgery he asked if we had any questions. We both had some and he answered and then my dad thought to ask him if the "cyst" that he had on his lower stomach would be a problem. My dad thought they may not be able to operate until the infection had cleared up. The doctor knew nothing of the problem so examined the sore and then basically things went downhill from there. The so called "cyst" turned out to not be a cyst but instead my dad's man made artery coming through the skin on his stomach. My dad had been told by a different doctor that it was a cyst and to "expel" anything that was coming out of it - grossly this means to squeeze the puss out of it if it came to a head - so my dad who is 70 and doesnt see the best sees something white and has been trying to ummmm (ewww) squeeze it out. Luckily for him and for all of us he didnt succeed because what he was seeing and squeezing was the tube that is now his artery and I have been told he would have bled to death immediatey had he popped or cracked it.

After seeing this the surgeon immediately went to call the original surgeon who did the bypass years ago at that same hospital however he was not in his office or the hospital so instead he spoke to the mans partner who immediately left his practice and walked over to the hospital to have a look. He also examined my dad and came to the same conclusion (apparently it's quite obvious what it is which makes me so mad at the surgeon we saw in White Rock on Monday who also examined the "cyst" and didnt realize the problem) The partner (surgeon #2) then gave us the bad news. This has now become a very serious problem... He thinks that my dad has a very bad infection, one which could very well be life threatening. This infection has most likely been caused by the manmade artery poking through everything in my dad's stomach and coming through his skin. He imagines that if it had managed to do this that the infection will not only be on the lesion on my dads tummy but also around and underneath the artery inside him. This infection left unchecked is very dangerous. That alone is bad enough, however it gets worse as my dad actually needed to have this same surgery (bypass) a few years ago but did not have it as he was not thought to be strong enough to survive it. Now because obviously there is a problem with the artery he needs to have it regardless. At this point we do not know how much of it he needs to have again. The doctor (surgeon#2) imagines that it will need to be completely re-done which is not good news as it is MAJOR, MAJOR surgery. On top of that there is the infection to worry about, he needs basically to be opened up ASAP. Then on top of that there is the cancer. Until I take him back to St Pauls on Monday to have a specialized cat scan which is not available here we wont know the extent of the infection and therefore will not know how much of the artery will need to be replaced. Until we know that we wont know which surgery will take place first. There is risk involved in opening him up for the cancer surjery (which is even more major than the other surgery apparently) while he has a massive infection, but then as the other doctor (surgeon#1) points out there is risk involved in not getting the cancer out of him as fast as possible. Then there is what already made him high risk enough to have to operated on out there and that is the possibility that because where they need to cut for the cancer operation is so incredibly close to the manmade artery he could easily have that cut and either bleed to death on the table or lose the use of his legs.

OH GOD.

So back to HOPE... I am not always the most hopeful person... I try to be... and I think I am positive... but I tend to worry about things... Im a worrier. I find it has gotten worse since losing my mom... and Im now worried. I hate being worried. And also dont think that anything positive comes from imagining the worst. I think I handled everything pretty well today - I had this panic moment of just abslute shock and grief for a second but recovered well. I want to be strong for my dad, to be there for him as I didnt have a chance to be for my mom. I want to beleive that it will all be okay. I want to have courage to be strong, to have hope, to beleive.

I will end this very long and involved post with this...

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." - Dorothy Thompson

and this (this is what I need for those hard to hope days)

as promised...

2007-10-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos of the new house...

Keep in mind its not done yet... the kitchen and bathroom are still in process... my scraproom/office is not done yet so I havent taken any photos... seem to have forgotten B's office... I'll post those when I post mine I guess...

Kitchen

Kitchen

Kitchen Table!

Table in the living room

Living Room

Fireplace!

My corner

Living Room

Bedroom

Guestroom

I will remember...

2007-10-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

A random title - nothing to do with what Im going to write about tonite.

I do not even know what I am here to say this evening... just feel like writing... something. It seems I lied in my last post - I didnt post photos of the new place the enxt day. Sorry... soon, I promise.

I am going to publish this post without correcting any of my weird dyslexic typing errors - just for the fun of it.

Maybe I should have jsut named this whole post "random"... ?

It seems that I have a harder time writing when I am feeling even, by even I mean not sad, not happy... just middle of the road. I could never write poetry unless I was sad... or troubled. Now I barely write at all. I wonder if that means Im happy? Or just busy. Or just not feeling it. I vote for the last one. I sometimes think I dont feel much of anything lately. I have a lot going on in my head as usual, but I dont talk about it, because that is just the way I am. Im a coward when it comes to my emotions, I always have been. I dont like to share them... expose them. I dont know why. One fo these days I will get over that... one fo these days...

Im going to Mexico in three weeks with Brendan and his family. It will be nice to get away for a while. Im hoping it gives Brendan and I a little time to reconnect... I dont feel very connected these days - to him or anyone.

I havent told him that I have major surjery coming up in January. I dont know why... not up to the talk it is going to entail I guess. And I also just dont feel very much support coming from him and know that Im not up to not getting what I need from him in regards to this. I guess we will see how it goes in Mexico...

I have realized lately that I need more challenge in my life... Not challenge as in hardship - just challenge as in sometihng different I guess. I would like to be more creative, do something more creative in life. My current job does not offer anything in that area which is one reason I will be leaving it in the new year. Even if I dont find a job that is more creative I hope to just start doing more, varying my same old routine more... I would love to learn more about photography as it is definately my passion... hopefully I will find a way to do that soon.

My dad was just diagnosed with cancer a couple weeks ago... I didnt take it very well. He isnt either... I feel surrounded by the "C" word... it's like I can't get away from it... They will not give us a prognosis until they open him up, so until then I am just trying to keep my thoughts positive and hopeful.

I really really like our new house. It feels so much better than our old one and I thought I would be so sad to leave the little beach house. I am sad sometimes... my fish is buried there and it is where Bonky went missing from... but other than that I am content in the new place. The yard is awesome and all the work Paul has done has made this place amazing. I'm so happy I found it!

I think I will end htis long and rambling post on that note...

goodnite!

lots of new

2007-10-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

new home, new grey's, new stuff...

photos to follow... tomorrow...

Isolation

2007-09-12T21:24:00.001-07:00

From a long time ago...

And so it came to be
this isolation that I am
I can only look to me
to find the way it all began
this confusion and constant hunger
for something more than this
I strive to find this being that I envision,
yet always seem to miss.
Could it be that I am empty
or maybe a little lost?
Could it be that I am lonely,
and seek happiness at any cost?
This never ending something
that I am living deep inside,
depicts the illusion of myself
and all I have to hide.

ahhhhhhhh!

2007-08-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

So less than an hour ago I told my boyfriend (of 4.5 years) that I am so tired of our relationship that I don't even want to be his girlfriend anymore... and he went on doing what he was doing and then changed the subject without even addressing it. Obviously my feelings are so important to him eh. It's ridiculous that I even continue to care.

Let LOVE Rule

Gratitude:I'm grateful for the fact that I can make my own living and that I do not have to be dependant on someone else for my happiness and survival.

home

2007-08-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

Mine and Brendan's shadow in Semiahmoo Park

This seagull was coming to get me ;)

White Rock Waterfront/Pier

Brendan and I at Castle Fun Park

Gratitude:just a nice and easy day at work... gotta love those once in a while.

for the birds!

2007-08-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for my sister. Today I came home from work and came running inside to go pee and tripped over a massive dead crow lying on my kitchen floor. Most of you may not know that I am somewhat wary of crows... dead or alive. This one was huge, smelled incredibly terrible, had its wing spread out and I swear was giving me an evil look out of its beady little eye. I had an actual panic attack, called a bunch of guys to come get rid of it because I couldnt bear to touch it and couldnt get a hold of anyone except Davo who was in Vancouver and Brendan who had an in home to do at work. Sooooooo I called my sister, asked her not to make fun of me and then promptly burst into tears and asked her or her hubby to come get it. And she did... even though she was starving and in the middle of making dinner after a long tiring day. She left everything and immediately came to help me because I was upset. It wasnt an easy task for her either... and it got pretty creepy when she carried it outside in a trash bag to throw away and suddenly 4 crows came flying from somewhere and perched on the telephone wire in my yard...

Ahhhhhhhh! Thinking of it is enough to give me another panic attack! So yeah, today Im grateful for my sister who loves me enough to drop everything to rescue me and not even make fun of me once.

gratitude

2007-08-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I said I was going to start blogging about things Im grateful for everyday. Basically it's just a way to remember the good things in life. It might be a small thing such as the day being sunny or Brendan doing the dishes without being asked or even getting off work an hour early. I just want to take a minute everyday to think of one thing (big or small) that made me happy that day. So here goes...

Today I am grateful for having a better than usual paycheck, and for having the opportunity to order cool scrapbook stuff at work :)

Reach High, for Stars lie Hidden in your Soul

2007-08-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

Do they? Do they really? I wonder sometimes (more often lately than usual) why I'm here, why God decided to put me on this planet. What value am I supposed to be adding to this world that we live in, what role am I destined to fill. And honestly there are times lately when I question if I even want to be here. I think inside everyone wants to add value, to either leave their mark on the world or to have something - a talent or a greatness - that makes a difference - to the world, and to the people that touch their own life. Lately I have been questioning what value I have, what I am adding. I'm having trouble finding a reason. I don't sense any greatness in me, I don't think I'm suddenly going to find the cure for cancer or end world hunger. And in my own life, in my own little circle I don't think I'm adding anything either. That I suppose is the biggest part of my problem. I don't feel as if I'm needed or really have that much value even in my own circle. I feel sort of lost, almost as if I'm floating through life without even really being here. There is really not anyone or anything that needs me, except for my cats, which being that they are cats would just move on to the next food provider if I wasn't here. I think if I had a family I would feel differently, then at least I would be responsible for something, maybe the little human I would bring in to the world would be one of those that are destined to be great, to add significant value to the world. Or maybe their little human would somewhere down the line. Without that, with just me to rely on I just don't have faith that my life makes a difference. And I don't think that I can reach high enough to reach those stars...

With all that said I do feel gratitude for many things, and tomorrow I am going to start a daily gratitude blog. Yes it's been done before... but as you can see I need to have something to keep myself focused on the good things. I have dwelt far too often lately on the bad things, the negatives, the things I wish were different. I need to see some light.

xo
Shel

PS... today's title comes from a silver bracelet that is my newest object of desire :)

On this day...

2007-07-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

62 years ago Ruth Ellen Jean was born.

Happy Birthday Mom! You may not be close at hand, but you're close in my heart. I hope someone made you a birthday cake up in heaven!

I love you.

Ruth Ellen Jean Frayn
July 29 1945 - Sept 9 2004

xo
Shel

am I fooling myself... or anyone?

2007-07-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

Live with Passion! Be Positive! Life is good!

All these messages I tell myself to try and be happy, to make myself believe in the dream. I thought they were working, think they are... but I have to wonder if theyll ever completely work. I dont know the "normal" standard of happiness... dont know how much happy is normal happy or how much sad is too sad. My emotions have always been all over the place, mostly on the low part of the happiness scale I think. I dont even remember being a happy kid. Even when I was very young I was always worrying about something, then a few years later things just went from bad to worse. I know I had moments of sunshine... but if I remember right they were just that... moments not hours or days. I dont know what made me this way... who knows, maybe there is something in my biological fathers background that predisposes me to it. All I know now is that I want to be happy, and have felt that I have made a lot of progress in this last year. But when something happens to bring me back to that place I find that I still dont know how to handle it, dont know how to just let it go. Most of the time Im not even aware that Im worrying about something, it just surfaces in sleep patterns or I just start to feel "not right". Ive been feeling "not right" for a little over a week... I saw someone who reminded me of things I would rather forget, and although I didnt think it affected me all that much it obviously did. I havent learned yet how to deal with things I guess. I am better at loving myself, and forgiving myself and just the day to day... but dont yet know how to take a problem and work it around so that my emotions are not affected. I dont know what to do about this, but feel the need to fix it, I dont want to stick my head in the sand and ignore this stuff anymore, I think that is why I am so messed up in the first place. A few years ago I saw a therapist but felt that it didnt help, but now Im wondering if a different therapist might help, maybe we just didnt click. I do know that I do not want to take meds to deal with it, and dont know any other options besides talking to someone.

I just wish I knew how much sadness was okay and how much is too much. I actually dont feel sad, just upset inside, unsettled, a little grumpy, mostly on edge I guess. And I'm finding it harder to deal with now that Im not used to it anymore.

My life as a child wasnt very easy. My mom was a single mom who did her best for us, but sometimes things just werent good, for her or us. She was a good mom, but didnt always make the best choices. She drank a lot and had a penchant for picking men that were all wrong for her, and for us. One man in particular spent a long time in my life, and in some ways is still in it today. He seemed like the answer to my prayers, and my mom probably felt the same. I thought he'd be my new dad (mine wasnt really in my life back then) and I was excited. He became part of the family almost overnight, seemed almost too good to be true, spoiled us with presents which we werent used to, took us out to eat... took us on vacation. Things were good for a while... but quickly changed. He also drank a lot, and was a very mean drunk. I watched him beat my mother many times, listened to their fights long into the night, even called 911 as he ran her over with his truck and then got out and smashed her head in with a brick from her garden fence. That was the end of him for a while, the police pressed charges, he had some other warrants and went to jail. Just when I thought it was over we went and visited him in jail, and he became part of our life once again. He swore he was better, that he woudnt hurt us anymore... yeah right. I was now growing up, and he didnt appreciate that one bit. I wasnt allowed to have opinions, friends, or boyfriends especially. When I fell in love for the first time bad went to worse and he became especially violent. He had become more and more agressive with me over time but once I became a teenager things got a lot worse. He used to yell at me constantly, standing over me screaming, calling me a whore, a bitch, useless, ugly. He eventually started putting his cigarettes out on me, telling me that was what whores got.. and that no one would find me pretty anymore with scars on my legs, chest and back. He was so fxed on my sexuality, and for nothing as I wasnt even close to being ready for that part of my life to begin. I was so afraid of him that I didnt even sleep at night, I would lay awake night after night peeking out over the edge of my blanket... just waiting.

I dont think my mom knew the full extent of what was going on, at least I hope she didnt. I know that she suspected and know that was what finally made her leave him, her fear for me. I guess that fear finally outweighed her fear of him. I know he used to tell me that he would hurt her if I ever told on him, and I suspect that he told her the same. We both tried so hard to protect the other that we did what he wanted.

Once it was all over I rebelled a bit, my grades in school dropped, I spent a while making my moms life miserable, all because I was miserable. I didnt know how to deal with it, couldnt find it in my heart to forgive my mom for not being my protector, for turning a blind eye. Eventually I just moved on, blocked it out, didnt talk about it. I had some scars from places where he purposely burnt me over and over again, putting a new burn on top of an almost better one, hoping to leave his ugly mark on me. After a few years I went to the doctor to have them removed and ended up in the mental health unit for counselling, where I felt ashamed and exposed, like I had done something wrong. I met a guy who I thought would make everything better, only to find that he had anger issues too. I then repeated my moms mistakes and let him beat me, listening to his tearful apologies afterwards and believing that he woulnt do it again, didnt mean it... ended up in the hospital with a concussion at one point and blamed it on falling at a rock concert. I didnt "wake up" until I literally did wake up one day from a nap to find his hands wrapped around my neck strangling me and his coked up eyes on mine, just staring blankly. I tried telling him to stop, but coudnt get breath, just weakly gasped at him to stop, to look at me... and felt panic when his hands just tightened. I almost died that day, I know it as surely as I know my own name. And I also know that if I hadnt of called my mom and listened to her tell me to get out that I would be dead today. I would be just another statistic. My file in my doctors office is thick with these memories that I ache to forget, photos of my scars from the burns, photos of my purple ear and black eye from where Paul repeatedly punched me in the side of the head while I was hunched over on the back seat of my rental car, photos of his clear handprints on my neck from that last fateful day.

There is so much more that I dont care to remember, to even see in words on a page. Im still looking for closure, a way to find the good out of my story. It may not be as bad as what some people have lived through, but it is my story, my pain and hurt, and not easy to live with. Sometimes I catch sight of the few remaining scars when I look in the mirror and just remember the shame of those years. The man - Robert - is dead... and I felt such a mixture of relief and pain when I heard. I felt like I could finally stop looking over my shoulder, yet still cried for the father that I once thought he might be to me. I have recently shut my ex out of my life, I tried for a long time to help him because I loved him beyond reason, but finally saw that it wasnt my fight, that only he could get help, fix himself. With this came the realization that he had long since stopped being the person I loved or even a person I knew. I know that I haunt him yet... but that is not my problem either.

I saw a relative of Robert's a couple of weeks ago and it has brought back so much anxiety and stress which is why I think Im having a hard time right now. I really just want to hole up in my bed with a book and hide for a bit which is currently impossible. It is probably better this way but Im still stuck with that question... how much unhappiness is normal in life, how normal is it to feel this way and how do I know when I need help? I have really felt like I have been so much healthier this year, that I had made a lot of progress... but now Im just not sure and that just scares me.

Memories haunt me,
Veils of dreams,
Swirl by,
Feelings of sorrow,
Bring the past,
Back into my today.
They play with my mind,
and steal away my tomorrow.
Please just leave me,
These images of what was,
Relinquish your hold,
On my battered heart.
Taunt me ,
Memories of yesterday,
Take away ,
My corroded soul,
Inside the drop of a single tear.

2007-06-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

A new post, same life, same me. I'm pretty happy being me these days... its kind of weird. Its definately not a place I'm used to being in, but it's good... and appreciated. I mean seriously how much angst can a 33 year old woman experience? It was definately time for a change. I can't lie and say its all gone, I still worry about stuff... but I dont worry about ME. I'm fine with the me I am. I feel like all of a sudden Ive grown up... I used to feel like a kid, like I was still in my twenties trying to find my place in the world; trying to separate the person I really was from the person I thought I should be. Now suddenly Im done with all that, Im still not completely happy with the choices Ive made in life, but I have come to understand that the sum of these experiences have made me who I am, as well as shaped the person that I will continue to develop into. And Im okay with that, maybe even thankful for that. Because you know what? Im pretty okay with myself, I like me. And that's a good thing.

Things making me happy this week...

My newphew Jake pitching the first two innings in the championship game...

Jake with the trophy and his medal after WINNING the championship game!

Jakers with such a happy grin - and his fellow teammates...

The Diamond Backs - 2007 Champions!

My new teak lawn chairs - which I got for FREE!

The flowers I picked for myself from my sisters garden tonite... oh so pretty... I wish a photo could capture how yummy they smell :)

My new hat, it has a PINK star - and some camo stars on the other side...

A photo from my spontaneous "I feel like walking on the beach in the rain" walk that I went on the other day literally the minute I got home from work.

today...

2007-05-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

was an exceptionally good day. It was just one of those days where everything felt right with the world (well my little piece of it anyway). It was beautiful out, warm and sunny but with a refreshing breeze... I went out to Vancouver with my sister for a consult on her new tattoo at Sacred Heart, the drove home and went outside and sprawled out on the grass. I was just laying there... listening to the birds singing and the bamboo rustling in the wind... feeling the warmth of the sun, the light on my face, and I just felt so perfect. So happy and joyful and just content. I registered how I was feeling and was thinking to myself that I wish I could capture this moment... record it somehow so that I would be able to replay it again and again... never to be forgotten. So although I had a ton of unfinished projects on the go, cleaning to do, laundry to wash I just enjoyed the moment... spent an hour rolling around the grass with the cats, taking photos of the flowers, the cats and my garden ornaments. What a wonderful, joyful blessing.

A different sort of "Everything"

2007-05-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

This song reminds me of another song, a song that means a lot to me. A song someone used to sing to me... it was another time, another place... yet a memory that I cant erase. It brings back a memory of love... of warmth and sadly of love lost.

I miss that feeling of knowing youre loved... having a person sing to you... cuddle you... it just makes you sure... sure that youre cared for... sure that youre special... sure that youre "the one"

I wonder now... is it better to be "in love" or just have the true steady calmness of familiarity... the love that maybe doesnt spark anymore but is steady and true?

Im well known for my fear of committment, I get that "7 year itch" pretty frequently unfortunately... its not the type of itch that makes me want to go out and get scratched... more the type of itch that says "okay, this is becoming serious now, maybe its time to rethink"... I could blame it on my parents... say that their frequent break ups and make ups have scarred me for life and put the fear of marriage into me... but I doubt thats it. I firmly believe that you can put things like that behind you... that the person chooses their path... I was born with a brain and the ability to use it... I dont need to follow the same mistakes as my parents... but yet I do have this fear... I dont know what it is exactly... maybe Im one of those people that can only see the greener grass on the other side of the fence... or maybe (most likely) Im just afraid of getting hurt.

The thing is that for the first time in my life I actually want to get married... want to make that committment to another to live, laugh and love wholly, freely and forever... but... (theres always a but) I want to make it to someone who LOVES me... who gets me... and who isnt afraid to say it... to show it... to feel it. I want to be someone's "everything".

I was once... but let that fear rule me... A dumb choice, one I wont be stupid enough... or afraid enough to choose again.... if I ever get the chance.

Paradox of our time

2007-05-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

A friend posted this on his facebook page... I dont know where it came from but would like to pass on the message... I know I could take a few of these to heart...

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just "move on to the next facebook page".

it's that time of year again...

2007-05-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

Its after midnight... so this is officially my Mother's Day post...

When I think of my mom, I think of her with sadness. I havent come to the point yet where I have happy memories.. no hazy rose tinted images of happy days gone by. I still think of her last moments... the tragic unfriendly end to her already hard life. Today is the day where we are supposed to all exalt the wonderful qualities of our Mothers. Mother's Day.. a day to say thank you for all they do, to take care of them for a change, to worship and adore them.

I feel sad... I have been aware of the sadness all day... I spent most of it watching all the people scrambling to buy their mom just the perfect gift in the store. Listening to sisters and daughters and mothers all talking about where they were taking their mom or daughter or grandmother to brunch and what family was coming for dinner. Its sweet to see how all of us love our mothers... but sad for me knowing that this day no longer means much. I want it to be just another day... unfortunately I havent come to that place yet either... I still want it... want that innnocent joy of finding my mom the perfect hanging basket (tradition) and giving it to her. Instead all I feel is the pain of knowing she isnt here, and wont be again.

With that said I want to wake up tomorrow morning not being sad... but instead thankful and appreciative and content. I have decided to try and spend the day being those things... remembering my mom with gratitude instead of sadness. So here is a list of some of the things I loved about my mom... memories of her and things she did that I want to always remember.

Her strength and determination - raising us three on her own was never easy.

The way she would grab my hand when we would cross the road, even when I was all grown up.

Her green thumb

Her smile when she would open the perfect gift... the almost child-like glee.

How she started calling me "shel-ter-bags" (what a nickname!)

How she fought and fought to live...

How she used to make me the yummiest taco salad for an after school snack.

That day when I went to meet her from work when I was about 8... I walked thru the park holding her hand barefoot and got stung by a bee...

These are just a few of the things I want to think about tomorrow... I am going to do my best to celebrate my mom even if she isnt here... after all I want to think she is up in heaven watching me.. If so...

I love ya Mom.

I'll finish this with a portion of the last email my mom ever sent me...

This morning when I wakened
And saw the sun above,
I softly said, "Good morning, Lord,
Bless everyone I love."
And right away I thought of you
And said a loving prayer,
That He would bless you specially,
And keep you free from care.
I thought of all the happiness
A day could hold in store,
I wished it all for you because
No one deserves it more.

concussed

2007-04-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

So I broke a wall with my head... which in turn broke my head... and now I'm weirder than normal, spouting gibberish, and basically have slept the past 4 days away...

In other news I went to work today and somehow managed to get locked in the bathroom for 45 minutes... had a panic attack and generally just freaked out.

I
DO
NOT
LIKE
BEING
LOCKED
UP
.

I guess it's good I'm not a criminal.

All About ME!

2007-04-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

randomness

2007-04-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

Some photos that are making me happy this week...

Joshua entranced by a broom...

Emily -cutest cheeks in the entire world.

Mommy and Daddy with Babies in tow...

Tired cutie...

Ladybug in my yard...

Clematis blooms reaching for the sun...

Jake and Sam rockin out on Guitar Hero 2 for the first time...

always fantastic

2007-04-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

I blogged a few days ago... rambled on about the definition of PMS and how each of them fit me that day but then I had to go somewhere in the middle of it and saved it as a draft to finish later but now I just deleted it... I dont feel grumpy and irritable anymore so no reason to whine about it...

Today is a good day. Not for any particular reason... just an okay day. No complaints. Nothing exciting either... just even all around. It was gorgeous out today... I was at work for most of it but even that was okay. Work is good. Im enjoying it so far... I may not forever but so far so good. I may have a different opportunity presenting itself to me... but I need to think about it first. It sounds okay, but I will feel bad letting John and Anna down too... we shall see I guess. It would mean more money... but as I have learned money isnt everything.

Ive been thinking of becoming a vegetarian... Im surprised I have resisted this long... I dont love eating meat, am grossed out by it often in fact but have never made the commitment to stop all together... Im heading towards that now though... ever since I found out on the ferry home from Nanaimo last week that jello (gelatin) is made from ground up horse/pig/cow hooves I have had a sick feeling... its so disgusting. I have been making a solid effort to eat better lately, fresh fruit with granola and yogurt for breakfast, veggies for snacks at coffee break, lunch, early dinner. Its much better than not eating all day and then eating a big meal at 9 like I used to. Its a good thing :)

Everything is a good thing today... life is good people. Live it... with passion, with joy, with truth, with love, with spirit... with your eyes wide open.

oh so pretty

2007-04-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

I couldnt resist posting a photo of my new pride and joy... my Gold record that Buckcherry gave me... so incredible and amazing and just awesome!

I also forgot to mention that Carrie and I got matching Buckcherry tattoos at Sacred Heart Tattoo in Kitsilano before the Buckcherry roadtrip... this is a photo of mine. I love it! Some people may find it strange to get marked for life for a band... but Buckcherry has meant so much to me... and I credit them with giving me something to live for, they gave me the strength to get out of a relationship that would have killed me, they gave me something of my own to love. It's a long story... but back to my point, I love the fact that I have a Buckcherry tattoo...

Already April

2007-04-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

So I've been missing in action... no posts since January... where did February and March go??? Honestly I don't know... I guess February was taken up by Buckcherry... went on the Canadian tour, 9 shows in 11 days - Vancouver to Winnipeg. If I had to describe the experience in one word... I guess it would be exhilarating. With the time that has passed the bad moments have faded and all I think of is the joy of it. The laughs, the amazing hour or two of shows each night, the driving in the snow, the cold, the travelling. New friends, new faces and places... a gold record, kisses and hugs and babies. A wonderful interlude before going back to work and a new experience to be thankful for. Spent some time in Red Deer with Jonas, Heather, Joshua and Emily... loved seeing the babies in their first few weeks of walking, awesome to see Heather and Joe and feel like I was among family, no awkwardness with not having Brendan there or anything. March I guess was spent recovering from the road trip and the bug I came home with, getting ready to start working again, enjoying Brendan - I missed him more than I thought I would while I was away - its cool how distance puts things in perspective. Started work the last week of the month, back to the same place I left 7 years ago but back with a lot more experience and maturity under my belt. Maybe not my dream job, but one that I am enjoying in this time and place. It pays the rent, is close to home and leaves me enough time and energy to live my life.

I haven't forgotten my resolution to live with passion, its still my guiding principal, my slogan to live by... I like anyone lose sight of it sometimes... but I make my way back pretty quickly. I have so much to be grateful for, so many reasons to be happy. I no longer focus on the negatives... its a new way to live... and I'm loving it. In fact I'm loving life. What a great place to be :)

This is a photo I took on the trip... early one morning leaving Jasper, Alberta.

man this show always makes me cry..

2007-01-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

Dr Bailey - "my son is named after his son, I just need a minute..."

that right there was the line that made my eyes tear up this time.

oooooh

2007-01-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

SHINY NEW GREY'S!!!

love love love this show!

Holiday Wrap Up

2007-01-03T01:19:00.001-08:00

So I havent written much over the holidays, I dont know why, maybe not inspired. But here I am now!

An update on the bag pics that I posted... this was a handmade leather bag that I had seen at a craft show that I went to with Brendan and his mom Christina. The guy who makes them lives in Montreal and to my surprise does not have a store or a website... anyways I saw the bag and fell in love with it which is odd as usually I like small purses (small enough that you could fit about 5 of them in this one. The guy was only going to be there for a couple more days, only had this one bag and I didnt really have the 300 to spend on it.... so I never did go back for it but then amazingly I opened my gift from Christina on my birthday and there it was! I was so shocked and happy I got teary eyed... I just did not expect to recieve it and I loved it so much and had been sad that i had not bought it... an amazing surprise.

As for the rest of my birthday it was great, had two parties, one the night of with friends at a bar in Langley. We usually celebrate my birthday with a guy friend of mine because it is also his bday so we had a joint bday party which was awesome. A lot of friends came and we all had a great time. Then the next night was a family dinner with mine and B's family which was also really really nice. I was very blessed with lots of awesome presents and feel like a lucky girl still.

Christmas was also good, woke up at 730 to go watch Jake and Sam open presents at my sisters and then had breakfast with my family before heading back home to open presents with Brendan. We hung out for a bit and then headed out to Vancouver to have dinner at Brendan's dad's new house with him and Christina, Milan and Yeleen.It was a nice night only marred by the fact that Christina wasnt feeling very well. But we managed to get the dinner done with her directing from the couch and it all worked out fine. She again gave me my favorite present of the day - a metal star wall coat rack - handcrafted by an artisan on Vancouver Island. Its so pretty! It was a pretty peaceful night surrounded by family, not much more I could ask for on Christmas.

I felt very blessed this holiday season, it was amazing to be able to enjoy it all without feeling the pressure of the holidays at Future Shop. So nice to be able to relax and actually feel blessed and loved and peaceful. An amazing experience.

ooooooooooohhhhh

2006-12-17T01:06:00.000-08:00

Love Love LOVE THIS!!!

More to come tomorrow but had to post a pic tonite! :)

The wait is over...

2006-12-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

and were not pregnant, and were both very disapointed. Ah hell, Im downright depressed and sad, why lie about it.

I knew I shouldnt get my hopes up but as so many days went by and all the things that made it look like we were... just couldnt help it.

Its okay though, we will keep trying and hopefully will be blessed.

Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait

2006-12-04T15:07:00.000-08:00

The snow is still here, slowly melting away, I saw a little bit of grass poking out of the ocean of white today, made me happy. I loved the snow while it was falling but once it stopped I was ready for it to go... it made driving a little scary. I actually dont mind driving in it but the other people on the road make me afraid. Anyways now it mostly looks dirty which is why I dont mind that its melting, one of the reason I like it so much when its falling is because it makes the world look so clean and peaceful... It was a lot of fun while it lasted though, I enjoyed playing in it with Brendan so much!

I have a lot on my mind these days.. Im wondering about finding a job, Im ready to go back to work again and need to for financial reasons as well. I think though that the time off has really helped me, I am so grateful for the opportunity to take this time off. I feel much more like myself again, my outlook on life is so much sunnier and I feel so much less fragile than I did in June. I honestly think I was falling apart back then, I thought that I was hiding it well but Ive heard a few things this past couple weeks that made me realize that it was obvious I wasnt myself. But the old me is back and somehow even better, I have done a lot of soul searching these months and although I dont think I am completely cured I do think Im a lot better and more ready for life. Very ready for life actually.

And also very ready to be a mom. Which I am hoping that I am a couple weeks into that goal as I write this. In other words I am hoping I am pregnant, RIGHT NOW! I am three weeks late and have been having some symtoms of pregnancy however I have done a couple home tests and they were both negative. I thought that was that each time I did them and the little line was there instead of the plus sign but then each day that my period doesnt come and each story I hear about how various friends and even strangers have had false results using the home tests makes me more excited. I tried very hard not to get my hopes up, kept telling myself that two tests could not be wrong etc etc etc but I admit that as each day goes by now I am getting more and more excited and my hopes are very UP. I am very afraid though that there is some other reason for my missing period and that I am going to be crushed. I picked up the phone to call the doctors office today but put it back down because I am afraid to be disapointed. Brendan was already pretty disapointed when I did the first test and it was negative, I know he will be pretty bummed too if it turns out were not. We are both ready to be parents, I think that we will do a great job of it too, Brendan will be an awesome father, he has some great parenting examples in his parents and is also so laid back that I know he will be the dad everyone elses kids envy. I think I'll do okay too and I seriously cant wait. I think it will make his parents very happy too, and really I think we could use some good news in his family right now. I know my sister is super excited too, she is probably as excited as I am actually. So yeah that is the biggest thing on my mind right now and I pray that we get the answer we are looking for.

Another new and exciting development is that my dad may be giving me that house I fell in love with a couple months ago after all. He had wanted to keep it originally but is now reconsidering as he has some health challenges right now and is not sure he is up to basically rebuilding two houses at the same time. So my sister told me that he told her he is thinking of giving it to Brendan and I after all. She wasnt supposed to tell me but she did :) Wouldnt that be so amazing, a new baby and a new house all at once! I would be so incredibly thankful. The house is a little small for a family right now but its basically a clean slate so we can add on. At least if we are pregnant we would already know so that we could make a babies room right from the beginning because when we planned it out before we didnt leave any room for one. These two things are what I have wanted for so long, a house and a child, its like every dream may be coming true at once. Awesome!

Brendan and I are so happy these days, I am so glad that he made me love him, I fought so hard against it at first, and even later I would get nervous and tell him we needed a break or worse just to move on. He never let me go and always knew just how to calm my fears. I am really thankful for that too. Who says that you have to follow the rules, have to be the same or have more in commom or be the same age. If you find that spark, cherish it. I may have missed out on something so awesome because I was afraid to love, afraid to be hurt... stupid. Luckily for me he's smarter than I am.

I also feel like I have finally made peace with my mom. Not only with her death but with her personally. I have held in a lot of anger and resentment about the things that happened to me when I was a kid, and I think I really made her pay for those things over and over again. But somehow I feel like Ive been able to let it go, I respect that she had a really hard life and did the very best for me that she could. She was human too and was entitled to make wrong decisions just like everyone else. I know she wouldnt have wanted me to be hurt, and I know that she loved me. And finally thats all I need, just to know that she loved me and did her best. I miss her everyday and always will, but I think Im ready to let her go, let her rest at last...

See I told you I have a lot on my mind :)

Still snowing !

2006-11-26T17:33:00.000-08:00

I still love it!!

We played in it today like little kids - tried unsucessfully to buy a tobaggan - went down to the park and made snow angels, Brendan tackled me to the ground and buried me in snow - colllllldddd! It was a lot of fun! The cats were funny to watch, hopping around like bunnies and Zimmie Zoo trying to attck the snow.

SNOW!!

2006-11-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

WOOOoooHOOOooo

Okay so obviously I LOVE LOVE LOVE snow! And its SNOWING...RIGHT NOW!! I love living in the lower mainland, partially due to our very un-extreme weather, but if I could change a thing it would be that we got a little more snow here. I think it only snows where I live maybe two or three times a year and it hardly lasts at all. So when it snows like it is RIGHT NOW I get very excited and thankful.

Snow is just so beautiful and peaceful, it makes me feel good and happy and thankful....and as stupid as it sounds.... at peace. It makes everything looks so fresh and new, so pristine... which makes me think of how lucky we all are to live in this beautiful beautiful world.

I dont even mind driving in it, I dont however like the idiots that either drive too fast or too slow, or the teenagers doing donuts in the middle of the street... but I love it so much that even that is not a huge bother.

I just went down to the park, sooo pretty, and SLIPPERY :) I came back and tried to get Brendan to go slide down the hills with me but he wouldnt...ha! Not everyone loves it as I do!

Anyways its pitch black out but I took a couple shots to share... they didnt turn out great but youll get the idea... more tomorrow in the light - if the snow lasts.... ya never know here, sometimes it will snow like crazy and youll wake up the next morning and its gone. Thats why you have to enjoy it while you can...

25 days without a post!

2006-11-18T03:09:00.000-08:00

Wow, almost a month since Ive written a word... I'd like to say Ive been just too busy, but sadly its not the truth. :0 To be honest, thinking back Im not even sure what Ive been not so busy doing this past month. There have been a couple parties, did my sisters job while she was away, saw my friend Shelley one day and not much more that I can think of. We have spent some time with Christina - Brendan's mom - because unfortunately her cancer metastisized again so we want to spend some time with her and also because we are currently looking after her dog Emily while she is in treatment. The news was pretty scary and depressing after my elation when she was told that she was in remission but we are doing better now. She is such a positive light, and a beautiful spirit that its hard to be sad around her and I know that if anyone can beat the odds it must be her. She's very strong and determined - and Im going to leave this topic at that for now.

I do enjoy having Emily - the dog - here with us though, it can be a little bit rough as her and the cats dont exactly get along but its still nice. She's a good dog, obedient and well behaved - except when shes burying bones in my couch! - and I enjoy having to go on walks with her every day. I like to walk even when shes not here but with the weather as its been lately I know there would have been a lot of days where I would have just not wanted to venture out but with Em here I have to so its good. And you know sometimes I enjoy those walks in the rain the best.

I havent been scrapbooking much because my laptop had another problem so my photos have been unreachable but I have an idea for a new page that I want to make tomorrow... Brendan got my new adaptor in today so Im back in business :)

Um thats all I can think of at the moment.. Im going to end this with some pictures of random stuff, Emily on our walks, a few of the damage from the freak storm we had a couple days ago that left us without power for two days and left most of the lower mainland with a water advisory where people cant even brush their teeth with tapwater - but not us white rock people - our water is fine suckers ;) - and left my pics from the day all foggy as I

got hit right in the face with a HUGE wave....and uhm whatever other pics I can think of that might be interesting...

Hopefully it wont be another 25 days...

Woooo Hoooo

2006-10-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

Buckcherry's newest album (15) is now certified GOLD!!! Yay!!! Way to go guys!

Im here for a good time...

2006-10-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

Okay so for some reason blogger is being a bitch and not letting me log in on my computer. Well really I thought it was just blogger totally but then wondered seeing as Ive had "computer issues" this past week and tried Brendan's computer and here I am... so really I guess its my computer that is being a you know what instead. Im sorry blogger.

Anyways, I dont know why im so anxious to post something, its not like I have any really exciting news to tell. Im sick, sick as a dog kinda sick - yes - AGAIN. I dont know whats up with this immune system of mine but itsn ot doing its job and Im getting ready to fire it. Can you get a new immune system - probably not. I hate having the flu, it makes me into a whiny sniveling thing that I dont like or respect very much. I thought I was better - lasted about a day - and then wham, worse than ever. Now that it has gotten to the point where Im coughing up all sorts of nasty things I have made an appointment to go to the doctor tomorrow. Yuk, I hate the doctor almost as much as I hate the flu. Well I actually like my actual doctor but I hate going to his office that he shares with another 15 other doctors who all together have a 1000 different patients who always seem to be sitting in the waiting room discussing their bunions, rectal pain and other varied and equally unattractive illnesses. The other thing is that I hate that I have an appointment and yet I still have to sit outside waiting for at least 20 minutes (more like 30-40) and that is before I actually get into the relative quiet of an actual room where I then sit for another 20 minutes. I know Im not a doctor or a scientisit or anything else important (other than a person) but I dont see why my doctors time is so much more valuable than my own. Anyways...

My 57" Sony tv blew up this week, and two hours later my hardrive on my laptop also died. Wasnt a great day in Michelle land. I was seriously freaking out and I mean FREAKING out about my photos on my computer. I have been thinking and meaning to back them up but hadnt when suddenly I got the "blue screen of death" on my faithful lappy. Even I knew it wasnt a good thing and knew for sure when my boyfriend who luckily for me is employed a computer tech glanced over and said "turn that off right now". I being me protested and started pushing buttons and he was like "Michelle, right now - your hard drive just died". The poor computer wouldnt even turn off, I ened up having to take the battery out. He wanted me to turn it off so it wouldnt get worse and he would have a chance to hopefully be able to save my pics and documents and music files. And yay - he did it! So I urge all of you out there to please back up your computer, not all of you may be as lucky as me. This happened to me once before and I lost everything, luckily back then all I really had was just a few pics and a lot of music on my computer. Its just photos that I worry about - they tell the story of your life - how important is that?!

So all in all not a great few weeks around here - but I did go to "Fright Night" at the PNE in Vancouver with a couple girlfriends. I had a lot of fun, usually that sort of event is not my thing, too many people for my liking but Becca had VIP tickets and made me go and Im really glad she convinced me cause we had a blast. I felt like a teenager as we giggled on the rides and screamed in the haunted houses. I thought I was a chicken, but boy I felt more like a super hero with those two, they were scared beyond belief. It was super funny and a great night. I was afraid to drop my camera so didnt take it but I wish I had as it would be nice to have a reminder of the fun we had.

So yeah, thats about all from me today - now its time to go back to the couch with my blankie and turn back into the snivelling whiny thing.

Cheers People!

Can I just say

2006-10-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

that Grey's Anatomoy is Awesome! I love this show so much, well love and hate it all at the same time. I hate the decisions some of the interns make, but I love love love the show and am left dying for more each week. It must be a sin to be this into a televison show :)

POTD - Day 6

2006-10-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of the sun setting, taken from the 2nd storey balcony of a house that I fell in love with today. My dad just purchased a shell of a house, its been abandoned since it was moved to its current location and it in rough shape. There have been transients using it and they have torn off most of the drywall and broken almost every window but for some reason I loved it as soon as I walked in the door. Well even the door is broken, the glass is gone and it no longer closes... but I loved it anyway. It is only a shell meaning it has no kitchen or bathroom, no cabinets, nothing. But its completely open, 2 stories with both stories having decks overlooking the ocean. The top floor has 3 oversized skylights and exposed wooden beams. It is right across the street from the beach and has an unobstructed view. The whole place is a mess, just imagine bums living there with no bath and kitchen and you can get a sense of the mess. There is grafiti all over the walls and garbage strewn around but it has such potential. You could take it and turn it into whatever you wanted. Weve been sitting here imagining what we would do to it. There is a wonderful willow tree at the front that grows thru the deck and overhangs it, so pretty and peaceful. There's also two cherry trees and an old maple in the corner. The yard is huge but currently overgrown with blackberry brambles. To fix it up is a huge undertaking but there was something about the place that I just loved. It has great energy. And I really want to live there. The only problem is that it is not ours! So now Brendan (who also loves it) and I have been sitting here wondering how we can convince my dad to sell it to us...

2006-10-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

HungOver.

POTD - Day 5... and stuff.

2006-09-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

Okay so this picture of the day thing isnt going so well. Ive been late one day and just didnt do it all together yesterday. I have no excuse. I like the idea of getting my camera out every single day, but it almost seems like I take more (and better) pics when Im not trying to, or trying to remember to. Also I have been in a bit of a funk, I dont know what else to call it other than that. Im not depressed exactly, or even down, Ive just been sort of "blah" this week. That has contributed to the pictures not happening because Ive been mostly hanging in the house, on the couch, in front of the tv. Not exactly picture material. I dont know why Ive got the case of the blahs, but I am sick of them so I decided not to indulge them any longer... so today I spent a good portion of the day with my sister which hasnt happened in a while, and then when Brendan came home from work we went over to his dad's (he's away for the weekend) and I soaked in his tub for a half hour or so. Our tub at home is super shallow, so I never use it, I just shower instead. There is nothing like a good hot soak in a tub full of bubbles though and I really miss it so when Brendans dad decided to go away he brought me a set of keys to his place over so I could use his :) He has a giant oval shaped one that is SUPER deep, I just love it. Especially with candles. Took a quick shot as it was filling up, picture didnt turn out well at all but I decided to share anyway, it was ultra relaxing and will for sure help to make my blahs disapear :)

The other picture I am posting is of Josh Todd, lead singer for Buckcherry. It's just a cool shot of him and seeing as my bath pic isnt up to par you get two pics.

Hope everyone is having a happy week!!

POTD - Day 4

2006-09-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

Last minute again... Ill take some good ones soon I promise.

Anyways, here's a sleepy Gir :)

POTD - Day 3

2006-09-27T00:17:00.001-07:00

Today's post is late by 18 minutes, oops!!

This is one of three massively large boxes currently sitting empty in my kitchen. Like my kitchen is cramped and tiny as it is :) Brendan decided he "had to have" new speakers and a center channel for our also tiny living room that is already being dominated by a 57" widescreen sony tv. Boys!

POTD - Day 2

2006-09-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

My Brendan, and dont worry I already told him he needs to go to the dentist for a cleaning...other than that hes a cutie :)

Picture of the Day

2006-09-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

New thing - post a picture every single day, of anything, but the photo has to be taken that day. This is day 1.

2nd Annual 3 Way Bday Party

2006-09-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well in honour of the 2nd annual 3 way birthday bash for Brendan, Steve and Davo I decided to post some pics. A good time was had by all except unfortunately the birthday boy Brendan himself. We have both been fighting the flu this past week and the fight got the best of him last night when after one drink he had to be taken upstairs to be put to bed in Davo's moms guest bedroom with a majorly high fever and chest pains. Wasnt exactly how he wanted to spend his bday party while 40 of his best friends and aquaintances partied on downstairs without him. The best of the friends made periodic trips upstairs to check on him though which is sweet. Eventually after lying down with a cold cloth for an hour or so he perked up at the mention of some food that Dave's mom brought back from her own birthday party at the Clubhouse and rejoined the drunken festivities :)

The carousing and boozing went on until at least 4am when we finally left the last 10 or so stragglers to their own devices and went home with my good pals Genevieve and Becca after us three drunken ladies successfully begged Brendan to stop at McDonalds for late nite or early morning burgers and fries with xtra McChicken sauce :)

I woke up this morning wondering if this was what dead felt like and listening to my girlfriends whispering in the next room. Once I managed to stagger out of bed I realized I briefly thought that really being dead might just be a blessing - or if not dead at least some comatose state which would allow me to recover from my now raging flu and raging hangover without having to feel anything.

But thankfully that wish didnt come thru and I have spent the entire day on the couch with maybe only three trips to the bathroom all day. Brendan has made up for my four days of taking care of him by taking care of me today and letting me sleep, feeding me soup and ice cream and picking up my yukky tissues from the floor beside the couch where Ive been dropping them, too sick to even make the effort to throw them into the garbage can.

Hopefully all this rest will make me an all better girl by tomorrow...Im holding out hope even if Im not so sure it will happen. :)

Brendan's Girls

Brendan and his Buddies Take 1

...and Take 2

Brian and Julie

Brendan and Brian

Davo and his Mom..and a 26er of Wisers :)

Becca the Reaper and Jason

A drunk Davo and Chris

Me and my girls Gen, Becca and Julie

9-11-01

2006-09-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

5 Years since we all sat glued to television screens around the world, unable to comprehend what we were seeing. 5 Years since the world we knew changed in little more than a blink of an eye.

I think everyone will always remember where they were when the planes hit or when they heard about the terror attacks. It will be for my generation what President Kennedy's assasination was to my parents generation.

I was at work, and had heard nothing about it until a customer mentioned it... I had woken up that morning late as I always did and had to rush out the door to get to work ontime, in the car I listened to a cd, not the radio so I had no idea that this day was any different than any other day. Not until the man at my counter mentioned "terrible news today eh" and I had no idea what he was talking about. After he filled me in we all started trying to find out what was happening, tried to get the wall of tv's to connect to a news channel rather than the advertising they usually displayed. I remember horribly thinking that it sucked for one of my friends/coworkers cause that day was his birthday and I thought then that he will never be able to have a normal birthday again. A incredibly selfish thought I know, my only excuse is that I dont think I knew or realized the hugeness of what had happened. I felt incredible sadness then, and I still feel it today. Our world has changed, and in all honestly its a scary place to be.

I have hope for the future, I do, I believe in people all over the world. I just pray today that the good continues to outweigh the bad, that good does destroy evil and that one day we will have PEACE.

For all those out there that lost husbands, wives, children, parents, friends and other loved ones that day, and for all of you who continue to fight to make our world a better place please know that my heart is with you.

God Bless.

This photo is copyright Steve McCurry.

2 years without

2006-09-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 years today since my mom died. Its been a tough ride but I think Im starting to be okay, or at least more okay than I have been for the last 24 months. I had a few moments today where I had to fight back tears and one moment where I just couldnt stop them. So I sat in Brendan's chair and held my photo of my mom and just let it out. And I felt better after so maybe its good sometimes to just feel - and work your way thru your emotions rather than trying to hide them. I miss her so much, and I would love to have her here but Im starting to realize that life goes on, and I just have to make sure to remember her, and live life as she would have wanted me to. She wouldnt want me to be crying over her all the time or being sad. And I know that she was worried about how I would cope and about my happiness after she was gone so I want to be okay so that she rests easier. It isnt easy, I never realized I would still be trying to get past it two years later but I have to find a way. I am better, last year on this day I was a wreck, there would have been no way that I would have been able to be out with people I didnt know all day socializing. I still feel a lot of emotion though, regret, guilt, sadness... but its getting better all the time.

Today was also the day of Brendan's Nana's memorial service. It was strange having it on the same day as the anniversary of my moms passing but in a lot of ways it helped because it took my mind off of my own problems. A lot of people came to give their condolences and remember Bertha. It was very nice to see all the people that cared about her come together to honor her. Nick said a very nice prayer which moved me and brought tears to my eyes, sweet that it was someone in her own family that said the prayer at her service I thought. We had a nice dinner at Pauls afterwards, it was supposed to be a bbq here but then it was nasty all day so it got moved there instead. I was disapointed because I had done a lot of work in the garden getting it ready for today... but its good that its done anyway and I love how pretty it is now.

I painted my bathroom yesterday, a pretty fresh blue to make it more cheerful and to match my shower curtain better. I just decided to do it spur of the moment like and it was fun. I like how bright it is, and it seems very cottage like and suits our house and being so near the beach.

And thats that for me, Im so sleepy even though its only 10:20, I think all the emotion and the food :)

Peace to you all

(oh and Heather - if youre reading this - Thanks for the early morning message, you made my day better right from the start!)

the best news ever!

2006-09-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

It's a miracle!

Or at least the hugest blessing by some unseen force. Christina's cancer is in full remission! So today here I sit with tears running down my face again, but this time for a happy reason at last. I cant even begin to describe the emotions I am feeling at this moment. Im so happy, so relieved. I dont think I realized how much stress I was feeling about this because seriously the moment she told me that she got her results I felt such fear inside...but then in that split second I realized she wouldnt tell me it was bad news over the phone...and then in the next instant she said that it was in total remission and I felt light inside...like a huge weight was gone.

Im so happy, for her, for Brendan and Paul, for all of us.

She has been such a blessing in my life so far, I only really got to know her better after my own mom had passed... and not that she can replace her in my life but she is definately a mother figure. I cant say that I know her that well yet, but she has made a difference for me already. She opens me up to a new way of looking at things, shes very positive and spiritual and even if she doesnt realize it I am slowly soaking those things up from her. She made it possible for me to have this time off to find some peace of my own and get healthier... she made Brendan who he is... she has enriched my life in many ways so far without even knowing that she is doing it. And now she has more time to live, to teach us more, to be here.

Im so happy...

with this ring...

2006-08-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

So I went to a wedding yesterday, not all of you know it but I am not too fond of weddings. I have managed to go to only 4 my entire life, and two of them were my siblings where I actually wanted to go so I would say Ive done a pretty amazing job of avoiding them thus far. I went to this one only because my guy wanted me to go and I felt like I should, we are trying to give more to each other lately and if he wanted me there so be it.

It was a casual wedding, the invitation stated "shoes optional" so you were fully expected and required to wear things like shorts and jeans...weird huh? I thought it was kinda neat although I think I obsessed more about what I was going to wear than if it was a dress up wedding. It just felt wrong to wear jeans to a wedding. I finally decided on capris and an embroidered tank and I fit in just fine.

The wedding and reception was held in the grooms parents back yard which looked amazing for the big event. His mom did the flowers and they were gorgeous, hung on the gate to the back yard and the arbor and in vases all over as well of course as the gorgeous rose bouquets the bride and her attendants carried. Everything was so pretty and relaxed and it was also a beautiful sunny day so it was perfect I would say.

The groom cried a whole lot which was totally unexpected and sweet and the bride looked beautiful and adorable at the same time.

While observing the whole thing I decided that they definately had the right idea, if I am ever to get married that is what I would want. I am through with the whole big event idea, the endless planning, the perfect church, the big expensive dress... I want just a small group (even smaller than what would at this one) - just close family and very close friends, and I would want it somewhere intimate. If it was in the summer I love this idea of getting married outside in the sunshine with the birds singing and flowers everywhere. I dont know where I would want it if it was in the winter - I kinda like the idea of a december wedding but that would mean indoors and I dont know anyone with a large enough house... hmmmm.

Its not like Im planning on getting married soon, its just that today I realized Im not as against it as I used to be. When I was younger I was terrified of getting married. Even the day Paul asked me in my head I was unsure, one part of my brain was thinking "about time" and the other was just hesitant. But after a minute where he thought I was just speechless and I was actually scared I said yes and then went on to cancel the wedding three times before finally throwing in the towel. And when the next person I loved asked me it was the end of our relationship right then and there. I dont know what to blame it on, I assume it was watching my mom and dad play ping pong with their marriage over and over again but who knows....

All I do know is that now Im ready, I wouldnt be afraid any longer. I know who I am now, and what I want and that if you love someone enough and make sure to invest yourself and love and patience into a marriage it can work. Im finally in a place where I am willing to give up some of what I want, where I know how to compromise. And finally I think I would like to be married, before as Brendan and all my friends know it was like "no way". I even told Brendan I wasnt the marrying kind :)

Anyways...blogger is being a jerk and wont post the pic of the wedding so Im going to try and add the pic by itself in the next post.

Have fun, be merry, and just live life. Give it all you have, dont hold back.

pics from the drive...

2006-08-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

back to normal

2006-08-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing better now, the sadness has lifted, things are better and my outlook is sunnier again. Thanks to all who left comments or emailed me, your support and understanding and wisdom was much appreciated.

I am now in Red Deer, Alberta with Brendan visiting his cousin Joe and his wife Heather and their adorable twins Joshua and Emily. The babies are just completely adorable, so cute. Red Deer however is not that cute or pretty... It's very different than BC, but Im still glad to be here. It was nice of them to open their home to us, its nice to get away. We havent done much sight seeing yet but will be going to Edmonton one of these days to go to West Edmonton Mall, Ive never been there so Im looking forward to that. I might see if I can convince Brendan to go down to Calgary one day as well to explore cause we just drove right thru on the way here. Man its a long drive from the lower mainland all the way up thru BC, thru the rockies to here. I didnt expect it to take 11 hours...phew. The sunset after we left Calgary and it was GORGEOUS! The sky is just so huge here, the clouds all look cool and when the sun sets it is just beautiful. Its very different watching it set on the horizon rather than over water...felt like we were at the edge of the world. I was drving so didnt really get any good pics but I have in my head how pretty it was.

Anyways this was just a quick post to let people know what Im up to and say thanks for all the well wishes. :) Hope everyones week is going well, enjoy life!

happy birthday

2006-07-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

I still remember so vividly the sound of your very last breath. Everything about that moment is still so clear in my mind. I can picture it like it was yesterday. I remember the shock, the disbelief, the guilt that I caused you to die. My sister's face... And I remember the pain inside me, before that moment I dont think I knew that losing someone could actually make you feel such pain inside, real honest pain. Not just emotional pain, but physical hurt, so strong.

That pain, that disbelief hasnt gone away yet, it is lessened by time, yes. But its always there, buried deep, and surfaces in strange random moments. And today its back full force...just thinking of you, today on your birthday...I almost cant stand it.

Since that day, almost two years ago now, I have learned the importance of telling people everything that is in my heart. I see how important it is to let people close to you know how you feel, live for the moment. Im not great at it yet, but Im trying and today I wonder what I would say to you if you were here... I would call you, in that funny little tradition and sing you happy birthday, horribly, as early as I could wake up - because thats what you would do to Lan and I on every single birthday since I left home. I would tell you I love you, and appreciate you. I would tell you that Im so thankful for all the sacrifices you made to give me a better life. I would tell you that I know it wasnt easy bringing the three of us up all by yourself and that I think I learned a whole lot of life lessons from you. I would tell you Im sorry for being a little snot all the times I was to you, and for not appreciating all you did sooner.

There was so much of my life that I was angry with you, angry that you werent the "typical" mom and that my life was so different than my friends. Angry that you let a man hurt you and me and didnt stop it. Angry about my childhood, angry that things werent different. I couldnt get myself to forgive you, I held on to my pain and anger like a sheild...and a sword. Even later in life when things were better, we were closer, even when you gave me so much...I was still mad at you inside. And today, on your birthday, I just wanted to tell you the most important thing of all... that I forgive you, and that I love you so much..and now realize that you did your best for me, you gave me what you could, and Im so sorry that I didnt see it sooner, sorry that I always had that little part of me shut off from you, sorry that I didnt open up in time. I let all that anger and hurt get in the way of us enjoying what time we had together, and now Im so full of regret. I know you know how mad I was at you, and Im just so sorry.

I love you mom, happy birthday.

2006-07-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

There's a cloud...

over my head. I don't know why it happens, why it works out this way. But I can feel it, I have been able to feel it for about a week, I've known it was coming. I hoped that acknowledging it would maybe avert it but apparently that doesn't work. I'm trying to tell myself that everyone is different, deals with grief in different ways, that its okay to feel this much pain...and anger. But I feel guilty for being so emotional. And then I feel anger for feeling guilty.

July 29th would have been my my moms 61st birthday....should it matter? Should I notice the date anymore? Tell me, should I care? I hoped that maybe I could just not notice the date, or at least pretend not to but I already noticed a week ago, and since then its been kind of like a countdown in my mind. No matter how hard I have tried to forget it, it wont go away. I've been moody, irritable and I know that's the reason and I'm trying hard to contain it...but it slips out sometimes.

Its been almost 2 years...44 days shy of 2 years since she died...and I wonder if I'm supposed to be over it, stop thinking of it, stop crying about it. No one else seems to be bothered by it, just me. I hear and read that it can take years... years to actually get over it. Brendan's cousin told me that it took him about 10 years to get over his father's death. He said he went through the motions, but it was something like 10 years later when he "woke up" and realized that he had been living in the dark for that long without realizing it but he was finally better. Will I be here 10 years from now, crying in the middle of the night over my mom, or will I have "woken up" and realized that life goes on sometime before then?

I feel like its not okay to be sad anymore, like I'm not supposed to cry over it. It feels like people think that its no longer acceptable to have these moments where I just feel like I really cant bear the pain of it. Like I really cant even contain how much it hurts me that she's gone. I think some people might feel like I'm overly emotional or something. In a way I understand, like really why should her birthday be any different of a day, why cry now instead of any other day. And I don't know the answer to that, I don't know why this day in particular is so hard to bear...but I do know it is, and in some ways I resent that people should have any input as to how I feel about it.

I said earlier life goes on, but the thing is that it doesn't for my mom, well maybe it does, who knows, but not as MY mom, not in her life as I knew it. And I'm not okay with that yet. I wasn't ready for it, not ready to be an adult without her, not ready to say goodbye, not ready to face the world without her in it. I'm just not ready, even now. I'm not ready.

random

2006-07-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

I've noticed now that I have all the time in the world I stopped posting, why I dont know. So today Im going to give it a try but I warn you it will be random...I usually have something in my head to write about and now I dont so....

Ive been enjoying life, like really enjoying it. It still almost seems weird to say that, its been a long time I guess. I havent been doing anything life changing or anything but I have been taking pleasure in all the everyday stuff like making my guy dinner and hanging with friends. There's been a few get togethers lately, Shelley's birthday and Mike and Becca's housewarming. Its just nice to be able to go without thinking of work or worrying about the next day. I think its important to spend time with friends, and sometimes it is something Ive really had to work at. Im so much a loner, I dont really want to be but I do tend to hide away from the world. So now Ive been making a point of saying yes when people call to hang out or whatever, and ya know its been nice. I love my friends, I have a small select group that Im close to and they are all very different but very awesome. I love all of them.

So yeah, hanging out, bbq-ing, making yummy dinners - last night B came home to marinated steak, corn, tomoato and cucumber salad with feta and apple crumblie pie with ice cream. He's a happy man :) Ive been meaning to get out in my garden but havent felt like it yet so its not doing so great. Ive been taking nice long walks on the beach too, what a great place to live! I love it down there, so peaceful and such a great place for reflection.

On August 1st Brendan and I will be driving out to Red Deer to stay with his cousin Jonas, his wife Heather and their adorable five month old twins Joshua and Emily for a week. Im so looking forward to it. It is something I would usually be worrying about but now Im not worried. I think they are both awesome, Heather is really cute and Im not shy around her now so its cool. And the babies are just the cutest things...makes the maternal urges go nuts thats for sure. It will be a fun drive I think and Ive never been to Red Deer so it should be interesting. I will be missing Buckcherry playing with Alice in Chains in Portland because of it but Im okay with that. Another one of Brendan's cousins - Erica - is going to stay here while were gone so the cats and fishie will be taken care of.

Ummm now what....now nothing I think. Im going to go sit outside and enjoy the sun a bit I think. I hope everyone is having a great happy day.

so im compassionate...I knew that!

2006-07-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What'>http://blogthings.com/whatdopeopleenvyaboutyouquiz/">What Do People Envy About You?

pier

2006-07-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to share a photo of the marina on the White Rock pier that I took tonite while on a walk with Brendan's family (Nick, Melvin and his gf Billy Jean).

freedom

2006-07-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

I quit my job last week. It was a huge step and a really hard decision but ultimately I thought of the words that Josh Todd yells out at the end of each Buckcherry show... "Live with Fuckin Passion!!"

So maybe we could take out the effin in the sentence and just get it down to "Live with Passion". I heard that in February for the first time and really liked it, came home from that show and made it my signature on message boards, my quote on myspace, wrote it after my name on msn and that was about that. I saw it everyday and thought of Josh and how much I like that quote...but never did I think of it in regards to me. Until one day when I just glanced at those words and was like wow...it was like I was seeing them for the first time. And I asked myself am I living my life with passion? Am I making the most of every moment, or even enjoying life? And my immediate answer was no, not one bit. I realized that I was really unhappy, and then I tried to think of why, what was the problem? Random things ran thru my head, maybe it was my boyfriend, we were having some issues, was it was the health stuff, maybe my job...and there it was, one of those "ah ha" moments. It was Future Shop, completely and totally Future Shop. I had worked there for 6.5 years, and enjoyed many of those years but lately I havent enjoyed one minute of it and actually felt dread building in the bottom of my stomach on my way there each day. And realizing this and then thinking back I thought that my mood from there must be making me harder to live with at home and the stress certainly wasnt helping my health issues get any better.

So I quit, just made the decision and made myself go thru with it. And ya know what, I feel so good, good isnt even strong enough. I feel GREAT. I am so happy, so stress free, so thankful. The thankful part is because of an amazing gift - the gift of freedom - from Paul and Christina. When making my decision I had been hesitant, only because I had no other job lined up and what would I do? I have recently spent a lot of savings (Brendan is expensive!) and was kinda worried about cash flow... then Brendan came to me and had a "proposal" from his parents, Paul wanted to lend me some money to put in the Pay it Forward program (investment thing) and Christina wanted to lend me the same amount to live off for the next few months so I could take some time off to get healthy and happy again. Then with the proceeds from PIF I could pay them both back and still be ahead and healthier. At first I was against it, extremely against it to be honest. I am used to taking care of myself and am stupidly proud as my sister puts it. I was all "I dont need help, I can take care of myself, Im not 23, Im 32" Insert sigh here..... What can I say, sometimes Im an idiot. Brendan was taken aback at my refusal, my sister told me I was crazy to say no, Christina emailed me explaining more of why they wanted to do this for me...so I started thinking it thru, talked to Brendan about it a lot, and I started thinking of that quote again...live with passion.

How lucky was I to have two people in my life so willing to be there, so awesome to offer such a gift? There are not many times in life where someone offers you the gift of freedom, freedom to be stress free, to live a happy life, to get healthy, to walk out of a job that you hate so much that it is ruining a once healthy relationship, and making you sick at the same time. And how rude was I to get my back up and be a little snot about it? So I accepted, and now honestly, life is great, I feel such relief, sweet sweet relief not to be stuck in that job, that place. I am so thankful for this awesome restful time, time to get fit, to reconnect with the guy I love, even just to smell the flowers. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel stronger already. I only hope that one day I will be able to be there for someone who needs help and help them as Paul and Christina had helped me. I think that is probably what pay it forward means in the end.

Today I woke up with a smile, and the happy thing is that I know I will tomorrow too. :)

Oh and am I Living with Passion now? You bet!

pics from my garden...

2006-06-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

im a dreaming soul...

2006-06-21T21:10:00.001-07:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

Sooo i quit my job.

2006-06-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

Yuppers, I just did it. Im still kinda shocked, yet happy. Really all I feel is relief..sweet sweet relief. I should be worried, nervous...but Im not. Well Im nervous of interviews, but other than that I know I made the right choice. I havent been happy in a really long time. Its not only my issue with my boss, its just the place, the company. I will miss my friends and the family relationship a lot of us have..but I wont miss going there everyday and feeling the dread build on the drive in, the constant stress...

I have been wanting to do it but been afraid, finally I got up the nerve to type it out and then when I got to work my best buds tried all day to talk me out of it. Then weirdly my dad came in, and although we dont have the kind of relationship where I go to him for advice I took him outside and told him what I was debating...he was ALL for it! He told me that right now the most important thing is for me to focus on my health, that Im not appreciated enough and that Im too stressed out. He said being happy in life if more important than money and said it would make my mom happy to know I quit. I was all like dad, I dont even have another job lined up and he was like you'll find something, and if you get stuck I'll help you..and if you dont do it, I'll be mad!

Soooo he left and I went for lunch, came back and gave it to my GM. It felt GREAT!

So yeah, I did it, I feel good...Im sure the nerves will soon kick in, but for now, its a good happier day.

Happy Father's Day

2006-06-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

In honour of my dad I wanted to post a pic of us on here, its technically Father's Day no longer but I had a busy day and its the thought that counts...I missed him today, didnt get to see him but he was in my thoughts. We may not have the typical father/daughter relationship but I love him, and count myself lucky because he's my father by choice, not duty or blood. I love you Dad!

Hurt

2006-06-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Faded, like a flower
Or maybe jaded
Like someone who’s seen to much,
Felt too much, hurt too much

My thoughts crowd me
My emotions overwhelm me
I don’t want to feel
Don’t want this pain or confusion

It’s easier not to feel,
Not to want, not to love
It’s easier to be alone
Than to be together, but apart.

An old one but a good one, still refelcts my feelings, years later.

tired

2006-06-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of the fight, so tired. My emotions are all over the place but right now Im tired, Im sick and Im sad. I need someone to lift me up, tell me its going to be okay, tell me that I can do it. I know Im strong, strength is something that my mom taught me more than anything else. But everyone needs encouragement sometimes, a hug and kiss or even just a special smile. It's a tough battle and I feel like Im losing. And Im scared. so scared.

Tomorrow is the next doctor appointment, what are they going to say this time? I havent been this sick yet before, I think I might have overdone it with the little Buckcherry trip cause Ive been seriously ill since then. Just exhausted and weak. I guess thats why Im scared, cause now it seems more real or something.

Anyways, wish me luck, and love and hope.

WoooHooooo

2006-05-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

Buckcherry in Portland tomorrow night!!!

torn

2006-05-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

I'm in a messed up place tonite, so torn. I don't really know which way to turn, what I want, or don't want. I feel like time is slipping away, and like I'm not making the most of my life. The problem is that I don't even really know what making the most of my life means. I just know that I'm not doing it, not feeling it. I wish I could just make a choice, a decision and be strong about whichever choice I make. I'm so weak, ridiculously weak. It's past time for me to be strong.

stolen

2006-05-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

This is called "The Invitation"

I dont know where it came from, I borrowed it from another, but its beautiful, and thought provoking, and I love it.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

...

2006-05-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm bored! Someone come play... ?

Random

2006-05-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

It was my sisters 39th birthday on the 19th. She always has a bbq because her birthday always falls on the May long weekend. I always go and sometimes its weird cause all her friends are older than me and I usually hang with people younger than me but I have known most of her buds for years so its not bad. This year I took my friend Gen and her son Kalem with me, and it was probably weird for her cause shes only 21. But we had fun anyway, these are a few pics from the night...

Jt and Brian

2006-05-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

Okay so my "good friend" Brian just read my sunshine post and complained that I did not explain the Josh Todd stickers on the beer bottle. So this post is to clear that up...I have a ton of left over Josh Todd stickers from when he had his own band when Buckcherry broke up and for some reason I grabbed some the night that I had those guys all over and Brian decided to plaster my house with them. I woke up very hungover the next morning, walked into my bathroom to see my reflection in the mirror broken up by a jt sticker, then came out to find one on the bathroom door itself, one on the window in the office, one on a framed pic of my and my guy on his desk, one on my front door, my sliding glass door, my china cabinet, numerous beer bottles, the sun mirror in my bedroom, my chalkboard.... the list goes on. I counted 30 sometihng of them as I peeled them off a few days later. Every once in a while one will pop up still. In fact I know theres still one in my room, one on the gate outside, one that fell off my garden gnome onto the grass and one somewhere else that I cant think of right now. So that is the story of my weird friend Brian and the Josh Todd stickers...

bzzz bzzz bzzz

2006-05-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

Are these guys not just cute or what? This is a picture of my good friend Brian's girlfriends daughter Alex and another good friend Genevieve's son Kalem. They were playing in my room the other night watching movies while we were all hanging out and for some reason decided to sit on my bear together. Too cute! What was maybe not so cute was when Kalem somehow found one of my "adult toys" and turned it on...buzz buzz buzz.... Yeah can we say awkard and embarrassing?

sunshine

2006-05-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Okay so my pity party over Mother's Day is over thankfully and Im doing better now. I have a lot of good things in my life but sometimes I forget. It's a most beautiful day outside today, I wish I didnt have to go to the torture that they call Future Shop so that I could enjoy it but I am off tomorrow so hopefully the sunshine lasts. I need to get working on my garden, the brambles and morning glory have about taken over and seeing as Brendan and I will be having house guests in a couple weeks I would like it to look a little more presentable.

Ive had a lot of good times lately and think there will be a lot more to come with the upcoming Buckcherry shows -woooo - got a crazy bitch ringtone for my cell today, so excited. Anyways here are a few pics of the silliness weve been having lately....

Fuck Holidays

2006-05-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

I am so fucking sad that its Mothers Day. I am also so mad at myself that I cant just get over it and move on. Im angry that I feel abandoned and angry that I feel angry. It just sucks. This is the second Mothers Day without her and it should be easier yet I wasnt nearly this messed up last year, this year is actually the worst so far. Im pissed that people dont understand, Im angry that I have to pretend to be happy when Im not. I dont know how Im supposed to feel but I dont think its like this.

I just miss her.

Victoria

2006-05-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pics from the day I spent in Victoria last week with my new Auntie, Uncle, Dad and Boyfriend. I really enjoyed getting to know my Aunt a little, she's got a great sense of humour and seemed really interested in learning about me. I enjoyed seeing her so much in fact that there just might be a road trip to Ontario coming up...

weird

2006-04-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

Today I met an aunt that I never even really knew I had. I knew my dad has family back east but I admit theyve never really been real to me, mostly cause Ive never met them or only met them when I was too young to remember. But today I was at work and my dad called me up to tell me that him and his sister were coming to take me to lunch. Weird. I was nervous to meet her and a little bit frazzled because I didnt really have time for a long lunch...

I was with a customer when they came and she walked by and winked at me! I havent seen her since I was a newborn yet she knew me, and put me at ease with that one little gesture. You have to realize that she's older - somewhere between 60-70 I would guess - and yet she winked at me nd had a big smile. It was cool. We talked at lunch and she told me she loved me as we said our goodbyes, I swear I got teary eyed right there in the Future Shop parking lot. I think unexpected family is cool!

silver linings

2006-04-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am
I get caught up in the everyday
and forget to look at the bigger picture

Every cloud has a silver lining
every experience teaches us something
and no matter what there is ALWAYS
something to smile about.

Today these make me smile...

Some friends at work gave me these, just to say "we care". What a sweet way to remind someone that theres always another day, always someone who loves you even if you dont know it and no matter what, no matter how hard life can be, no matter how sad your reality is, there is ALWAYS something to smile about, and something to be thankful for.

And now just look at this face, he just woke up, and he wasnt happy having his photo taken...

Thinking of You

2006-04-19T23:42:00.000-07:00

I just don’t know how to feel,

If I should just give up,

Store away all this emotion

And chalk it up as never meant to be.

I put away what I feel

And try to forget you

But then you smile at me,

Make me laugh,

And I fall in love all over again.

So what do I do?

With this love that has no future.

Walk away, never looking back,

Or stay and fight

Hoping that one day

You’ll love me enough.

For now I sit here

Thinking of you,

wondering

Do you even care at all?

Buckcherry "15" released today!

2006-04-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

Some of you know of my Buckcherry obsession, some of you dont. But I am in love with this band and have been for the last 6 years...they have just released their third album today after breaking up and reforming so if you like rock music at all you need to check it out! They have crazy songs and sweet songs, something for everyone and they are supa hot too! :)

In search of Big Balls

2006-04-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

We have a friend in dire need, he's searching for his ball's, check out his plight at http://saintvodkaofthemartini.blogspot.com and read his wife - Miss Jay's - amusing observation of the event.

Well I'm ever upper class high society,
God's gift to ballroom notoriety,
I always fill my ballroom (The event is never small)
The social pages say

Oh I've got big balls
I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls

And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
But we've got the biggest
balls of them all

And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody cums and cums again
If your name is on the guest list
No-one can take you higher
Everybody says I've got
GREAT BALLS OF FIRE

Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the balls that I like best.

My balls are always bouncing
To the left and to the right
It's my belief that my big balls
Should be held every night

Big Balls - ACDC

Thankful

2006-03-29T23:36:00.000-08:00

There's always been something about music that speaks to me.
Speaks of my life
I can always find a song to suit my mood
To make sense of my troubles

Be it a party song like lit up
or a sad melody like somewhere out there
I couldnt get through my life
my troubles without music
to soothe or cheer.

Life without song
a tragedy
I hope to never befall me.

As music soothes me
so does friendship
A sense that someone knows me
knows how I feel
and cares.

A friend can come in so many packages
but the true ones are hard to find
and often remain hidden

I am happy to say that I have found one
one that was hidden as almost
an aquaintance

But has revealed himself
to be the true kind
the kind who is a treasure
and for that
today
I am thankful.

Nothing but Lonely

2006-03-29T23:08:00.000-08:00

Story about a Girl - Our Lady Peace

(Story about a girl)
(Story about the world)

Suddenly something I'm not
You're something that you bought
Was it something I said, my friend
A little girl are you tripping on this
Are you tripping all over it
You better come up for air

Story about a girl
My
Story about the world
My

And are you waking up slowly
Nothing but lonely
Are you waking up holding
Holding your breath
And are you looking for something
I promised you one thing
I promise I'll always
Always be
There

Baby girl, stand up and fight
This is not some paradise
Oh it's just where we live
And finally you think you're alright
And then it eats you up alive
You better get used to it

Story about a girl
My
Story about the world
My

And are you waking up slowly
You're nothing but lonely
Are you waking up holding
Holding your breath
And are you looking for something
I promised you one thing
I promise I'll always
Always be
there

With all my faith
And all my heart
And all those simple things you are

I know
It's stuck inside your head
You're alone
You better get used to it
And I know
The feeling has to end
You're strong
It sucks you in again
And you're lost
You can't make any sense
This world
It tears you limb from limb
And hold on
You're nothing but the best

And are you waking up slowly
You're nothing but lonely
Are you waking up holding
Holding your breath
Are you looking for something
I promised you one thing
I promise I'll always
Always be there

With all my faith
And all my heart
And all those simple things you are

With all my faith
And all my heart
all those simple things you are

someone please just fix me

2006-03-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

Im feelin blue. There is so much about my life that people dont know, Im so good at keeping everything hidden. But sometimes it just gets too much, I get tired of hiding, tired of everything. I hate sometimes that people think they know me, I dont think any of them know me well, Im not who they think. I think sometimes that I would like to be, everyone sees me as this happy, helpful person, I wish I was that girl, but I know Im not. Today I dont like who I am, dont like me. Im tired, tired of all the problems, tired of feeling this way, tired of everything.

I miss my mom, so much, I would never have imagined this. This feeling of emptiness and regret. Of love lost, of time not well spent. Of forgiveness not given nor received. It all doesnt matter now though, its too late, I let the clock run out and theres no going back.

Thinking of mom just made me cry, tears that I wiped away, no one else. I feel alone and I am alone. I dont make the best choices so I havent anyone else to blame for that other than myself. It still hurts though that I have chosen someone who would rather be on a computer than be with me. Mind you, with the mood Im in tonite who can blame him. I just wonder how much longer we will go on pretending. The image is starting to tarnish and crack. Its a shame though, because I do love him. I should have remembered though that love isnt enough, it never has been.

Im just really sad tonite, I really want someone to take care of me for a change, Im always the one doing the giving, in all areas of my life it seems sometimes. I just really want to sit back and tell the truth for a change. I want to tell people Im messed up, that I need help, and I just want someone to fix it.

Someone please just fix me.

what do they know?

2006-03-21T23:05:00.000-08:00

I face the world with a smile,
no one knows what is hidden inside.
They see only happiness,
they cant see the tears I've cried.
When I am alone I hurt,
because here I do it well.
In front of all the watchful eyes
my heaven turns to hell.
The judge and jury awaits me,
everyone has a say.
In a life that hangs suspended
for yet another day.
Who are they to judge
if what I have done is right or wrong?
In the end I gave him up,
but inside still sing his song.
I don't know how to find
the strength I thought I had.
If only I could play tough
it wouldn't be so bad.
They say that life goes on
someday I'll smile again.
But how do they know my pain
without ever being where I've been?
I've traveled so far from home,
and can't find my way back.
Somewhere along the way
I must have jumped the track.
I saw him just today
his smile is still the same.
He looked at me so sweetly,
but never spoke my name.
I wonder if he remembers me,
It hasn't been that long.
He may have forgotten me,
but I still sing his song.

slow tears...

2006-03-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

I look up
as a tear rolls slowly
down my cheek
I think about better days
and wonder if I'll feel that way again
you look at me
with those eyes I know so well
always serious, so deep and insightful
as though you're always in control
But not today
not now
Now you look so scared
like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you
looking deep into those blue eyes
Hoping to understand
why this has happened
I wonder for a moment
if this is all a dream
if I shall wake in the morning
and be relieved
You look at me
with a confusion I have never seen
and slowly pull me towards you
to wipe the tears from my cheek

for all the ladies out there

2006-03-11T19:11:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of tina...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... One friend who always makes her laugh... And one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE.. A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to quit a job, break up with a lover and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That her childhood may not have been perfect..but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would and wouldn't Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Where to go... Be it to her best friend's kitchen table... Or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month.. and a year...

yay

2006-03-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

Today instead of rain I get SNOW!

rain makes puddles

2006-03-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

I ran thru the forest today in a wind and rain storm jumping in mud puddles. On purpose. It was fun. Im going to do it again tomorrow. If it rains.

Sunset Pics from last night

2006-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

Only You

2006-02-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

With you,
it's all about voiceless communication
-always knowing exactly what to say,
but never actually having to say it.
When no one seems to be listening,
you hear.
When I hurt but don't show it,
you know.
When I turn away to hide my tears,
you see.
When I feel like I can't get through to anyone,
you understand.
You know everything there is to know about me.
You know what worries me,
what keeps me up at night,
and what shames me so badly
that I can't share it with anyone.
Most importantly, though,
none of those things bother you.
You've restored my faith in people
and proved that there is a thing
called true friendship.
Thank You.

Josh and Keith of Buckcherry

2006-02-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

...

2006-02-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

BUCKCHERRY Tomorrow!!!

if i knew - unknown author

2006-01-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray,
your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get
to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile,
a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me,"
"Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

crazy bitch video

2006-01-13T22:17:00.000-08:00

thoughts

2006-01-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Christina came to tell us last night that she has a lump, breast cancer cells. She's had her biopsy and goes for surgery to remove the lump in February. I knew something was up from her message that she left the day before, Brendan didnt think so but I felt weird by the message she left. I dont know why, but even so I didnt imagine this, would never have thought it actually. She's so healthy and so.... gosh I just never know the word to describe her. I was talking about her to my regional manager the other day, saying how Brendan is just like his mom how he doesnt get upset, hes just so even. And the only way I could describe Christina was as spiritual, and finally the phrase that came to me was "in tune". And she is to me, just that. So in tune with herself, the world, with us even. To be completely honest I used to feel her unsettling because of that. She is so incredibly different that anyone I know and so different than the way I expect a mom to be, shes just so calming, which is so different that what I grew up with. This past year though I have gotten over my fear, and feel so comfortable with her now, and really just grateful to have her in my life. So this news has really freaked me out. I started crying right away, and felt bad because it isnt about me, but the shock was like a punch in the tummy, right away I thought of my own mom and thought I cant take this again. I am really that selfish. I tried very hard to calm myself and let her finish, let Brendan listen without my own personal drama, but inside even now I am stressed. I was already feeling very blue and stressed yesterday, a combination of work, Brendan and just life and now its inside still. I can feel it, work was an adventure today, my head was filled with thoughts of just walking out. I know personally that there is hope, my own experience was very frightening but today I am doing well, I guess its just the word that envokes all this fear. CANCER - its like a neon light in your head blinking on and off. I prayed for her last night and thought positive thoughts all day, shes too bright a light to have to deal with this. It has also made me think of mom, how I miss her and wish she hadnt had to deal with it either. Five times was a little excessive I think. And by the end she was just too tired to care of fight anymore. I still get so sad sometimes, I wish so much that she could be here to see us, she would love our new little house and like to see me scrapbooking. I really feel empty a lot now, somehow alone, like an orphan. Its stupid but I feel disconnected. Christina makes some of that go away though, and I hope so much that she beats this, that god hears our prayers. I know that she can do it.

We walked, We talked,
for a moment in time.
You passed through my life, you left your mark.
You will never pass my way again,
But your love will stay with me for a lifetime.
No matter what,
I want to thank you for the impression you made
and the life that you gave me.
I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed the talk.
I was blessed for that moment in time.
The last time I saw you I had so many questions,
and still the answers I do not know.
I wondered if you knew we were there?
Could you see our tears and hear our cries?
Even if my questions are never answered,
There is one thing I want you to know.
I was so blessed to have you for a mother
And by the effect you had on me for that
moment in time.

Christmas Tree

2005-12-23T01:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a pic of my Christmas Tree, its been a couple years since I've actually had one so I was pretty excited to go get one this year. Shelley, Brendan and I went and picked it out with me intedning to get a tiny charlie brown tree but B and Shelley eyed this one pretty quickly so home with us it came. I love Christmas and the goodwill it brings out in me. Today while I was out I noticed that my usual very agressive driving had calmed, I kept stopping and letting people in and so on. Then while juggling a bunch of very heavy grocery bags, plus a starbucks eggnog latte, plus two - two litres of water for my fishtank I managed to go up to the Salvation Army guy and stick 5 bucks in his little hamper thing. I just feel more giving somehow, if only we all felt this way the whole year round, wouldnt the world be a much more happy place.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2005-12-15T22:52:00.000-08:00

So....32....do I feel any different? No. As any other year, getting older definately brings some thoughts...what I want to change, who I want to be and memories of the past. I hope that these ideas stick with me and that I follow thru.

I spent a happy day, woke up to phone calls full of birthday wishes, one of which was my sister telling me she was coming to take me to breakfast. Walked with her and Brendan down to Watts Cooking on the beach and had a veggie supreme sandwhich with the yummiest banana bread. Came home and ran off to watch my niece and nephews Christmas Concert at the school, filmed it using my sisters brand new video camera (she didnt know how to use it) although I have personally never used a camcorder in my entire life. I really hope it turns out. Then I came home and tidied up the house with Brendan cause our family was coming over for pizza in the evening. It has been tradition for a long time to have pizza on my birhtday with my family. Usually we have it at my sisters but this year we had it here. My sister and her kids came, my dad and his girlfriend Vicky and Brendan's mom Christina. B's dad is vacationing in India so he wasnt here and my brother in law is sick with the flu so he also couldnt make it. We all had a very nice time anyways, it was nice to spend some time with my family. I got lots of wonderful presents and some yummy cake.

All in all it was a very nice birthday, I got spoiled as usual. My friend Shelley couldnt make it cause of work but she came to visit me yesterday and bought me an awesome gift...or should I say gifts. She went way overboard and spent way too much money on me. She bought me a beautiful card holder, its like a dozen shooting stars and you stick the cards in them, so pretty - and especially pretty to me cause I love stars. She then gave me a gidt certificate for a spa where I get to go and have a hydrotherapy bath in a tub with 144 jets and then a 90 minute massage. How pampered am I going to be! She also gave me a pretty silver heart that says love on it and jingles when you shake it. Im so lucky to have such a sweeet and awesome friend and a family that loves me.

Sponge - Imagine You

2005-12-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

Ordinarily I dont feel so buried but
Im thinking again and Ive lost some time
I disapear and reappear
someone pull me out of the clouds
tell me who let this happen
who made me think I had it down
I had it down
and I can Imagine You
these thoughts I carry
I wear around just liek an electric shock
and pull the switch, just watch me twitch
you'll always see me smile